Envy

Ok, I have been suffering from Envy for a while. I say suffering, because it is a really hard feeling to deal with sometimes.

I have been very envious of those of my friends who have fewer children, lately. I am envious of their time, their money, their freedom.

I am feeling so guilty because of this! I love my children so much, but I just feel so frustrated. I never thought I would be a mother of six. So now when I think of my life as I had imagined it, and how it is now, I just can't seem to wrap my head around it. I always imagined myself like my mom. Working, clean house, lots of free time to pursue my hobbies, visiting family and friends when I feel like it.

None of those things are a reality for me as a mother of six. I work, but I work at home amid the chaos. I don't get to "escape" away to work and do what I always think of as "grown up" work. I work at things like snaking the toilet, doing mountains of laundry and trying to make a little money watching other people's children as well. My house is NEVER clean. Ever. I have free time, but only if I choose to use free time instead of clean. With six children, we can never just hop up and go visit family for a weekend. It's a major ordeal just to go to the store, sometimes.

I don't know where I'm specifically going with this, I guess I just needed to get it out. I am feeling very envious. The first step is admitting the problem, right?